Imagine sitting beside your mother after an appointment about memory loss. Your brother starts discussing rides. Your sister asks about moving. Someone offers to tell the extended family. Your mother listens while decisions about her day gather around her.
Start by asking your mother which concern she wants to discuss first. She may want help remembering an appointment. She may want to keep going to lunch with a friend. She may want time before relatives hear about the diagnosis.
While You Can Still Decide is written to the reader who has received a diagnosis of memory loss. Its worksheets give that reader places to record questions, preferences, and plans. A relative can help write an answer while keeping the question addressed to your mother, who will live with the choice.
Begin with something she wants to keep
The worksheet What I want to keep doing pairs an activity with the help that would make continuing possible. That pairing gives a family a concrete conversation to have.
In this example, your mother wants to keep attending her neighborhood lunch. Ask what she values about going. Perhaps she enjoys the conversation before the meal, or wants to sit with a particular friend. Write down her answer before proposing arrangements.
Then ask what help she wants. She might ask someone to confirm the date, arrange a ride, or call when lunch ends. Record the support she chooses beside the activity. Ask your mother whether she wants to arrange the help herself or would like you to make a call with her. Leave a question open if your mother wants time to think.
Separate the answers
Relatives may bring concerns about an activity. Give those concerns their own space in the conversation so your mother's words remain easy to find.
Your brother might worry about the ride home. Your mother might say she wants to leave when her friend leaves. Write each concern clearly, then ask whether an arrangement could address both: a driver who knows whom to call when lunch finishes, for example.
If the discussion raises a question about health or safety, write the question for the appropriate clinician. The diagnosis worksheet includes room to ask about driving, working, follow-up visits, and whom to call between appointments. Bring the actual question to the appointment and record the answer given there.
Let her choose who hears
The worksheet Who I will tell, and when asks whom the reader wants to tell, when, and what each recipient should know. Use that page before sending a family announcement.
Ask your mother whether she wants a particular relative present for the conversation. Ask which words she wants used. She might welcome help explaining an appointment while preferring to speak to a friend herself.
Read the completed entry aloud and invite corrections. If a relative has suggested wording, ask your mother whether those words express what she wants. Replace the entry with her preferred wording before sharing the page. If your mother wants a message sent, agree who will send the message and what the message will say. Keep the written preference with the other notes so relatives can follow her wishes.
Record the ordinary preferences
The book also makes room for mornings, food, clothing, music, familiar places, and what brings comfort. Those details offer practical ways to help your mother keep a recognizable day.
Ask about a routine your mother enjoys. She may want breakfast before conversation, a particular radio program, or time alone with the newspaper. Write her preference in her own words. Ask what assistance would help her keep that routine.
Read one completed entry back to your mother and ask, “What matters most to you about this choice?” Record her answer beside the plan, then confirm the next action she wants you to take.
Related book
While You Can Still Decide includes free printable worksheets for recording preferences, questions, and next steps after a diagnosis of memory loss. Its edition page has the current purchase links and worksheet download.